


Set Phasers to Stunning

by skeletondragon



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Gen, James T. Kirk & Spock Friendship, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletondragon/pseuds/skeletondragon
Summary: The crew of the USS Enterprise from Star Trek: TOS watches Star Trek (2009) and they all have some strong feelings about it.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Set Phasers to Stunning

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in 2013, and found it recently when going through some old files. In order to maximize any possible embarrassment, I have left it completely unedited and unchanged.
> 
> Update: Based on a comment, I'd like to clarify something - I really do like the reboot Star Trek movies! I just thought it would be funny to see how the original crew might think of the new stuff. :)

**Uhura** : Captain, your father is still alive, right?

 **Kirk** : Yes he is, Lieutenant Uhura. I don’t understand why the moviemakers decided to change it.

 **Sulu** : Perhaps to increase the dramatic tension.

 **Kirk** : My life has seen plenty of excitement. They could have included the massacre on Tarsus IV. More people should know what happened there.

 **McCoy** : My guess is that Star Fleet probably didn’t want to have to explain that whole thing out to people. Killing your dad was easier.

* * *

**Chekov:** Keptin, I don’t understand- why are we watching this mowie?

 **Kirk:** As it turns out, Star Fleet made some sort of promotional movie about us to attract new recruits to the academy. They sent us a copy of it, so I called the crew down so that we could all see it.

 **McCoy:** I don’t understand why they had to make a movie about us. Isn’t _going to space_ enough of an incentive to join Star Fleet? I think-

 **Spock:** Doctor, please be quiet. The movie is continuing.

* * *

**Uhura:** Now here’s a scene I’ll believe.

 **Kirk:** What, a man can’t talk to a beautiful lady?

 **Uhura:** Captain, you always did know how to flatter the ladies.

* * *

**Kirk:** I didn’t need to be convinced to go to Star Fleet! I’d always wanted to go!

 **Spock:** Captain, I think Lieutenant Sulu was correct that some of these changes were made to heighten the “dramatic tension”. Now please be quiet.

* * *

**Spock:** The filmmakers certainly captured your exuberance, Doctor McCoy.

 **McCoy:** Oh, be quiet Spock.

 **Kirk:** Now Bones, I don’t think Mr. Spock is wrong. But look at us! I think it’s rather accurate.

* * *

**Kirk:** Ah, now they’re getting something about my life story right.

 **Spock:** Captain, you wish to be known for being a rule-breaker to all the new Star Fleet recruits?

 **Kirk:** Well, why not Mr. Spock? The whole thing with the Kobayashi Maru happened more or less like how they showed it, and I ‘d rather be known for things I actually did than have them make up everything.

* * *

**Kirk:** I believe they’ve got you pegged, Mr. Spock.

 **Spock:** I’m inclined to agree. I am also somewhat flattered that they decided to designate me as the creator of the Kobayashi Maru. Perhaps this “dramatic tension” works out for the best sometimes.

* * *

**Kirk:** Ah, look at her! If there’s one thing these filmmakers have done right, it’s showing off the Enterprise.

 **Scotty:** That makes sense, given that this is supposed to be advertising for Star Fleet.

* * *

**Uhura:** I think they did a good job of portraying Commander Spock and Captain Kirk here. I’m not sure why they’re using Captain Pike, however.

 **Kirk:** It might be accurate, but it also _didn’t happen_. Why are they making up this backstory? We’ve been on plenty of adventures-the filmmakers could have chosen a hundred different times for this film. Remember that time with Charlie X?

 **McCoy:** They probably wanted to show a backstory for us. You know, have the audience connect with the characters. I think that makes sense.

 **Kirk:** You’re not the one whose life is being made up!

* * *

**All:** _WHAT._

**Spock:** This is blatant misinformation! These moviemakers should not presume to erase Vulcan, all for the sake of this movie’s plot.

 **Chekov:** Keptin, how are they supposed to make eweryone believe this? Eweryone knows Wulcan is still existing.

 **Kirk:** I don’t know, Lieutenant. I think we should have some words with the people at Star Fleet after this.

* * *

**Uhura:** Well, that explains all the changes, at least.. An alternate universe. Hm.

 **McCoy:** “Alternate universe.” hah. Just an excuse for these propaganda people to mess around with our lives and call it a movie.

 **Spock:** I am inclined to agree with Doctor McCoy. At the very least, I would never lose my temper, especially not enough to strand the Captain on some icy wasteland.

 **Scotty:** Hey, at least I came in!

 **Sulu:** You know, I think the actor for “Spock Prime” looks more like Commander Spock than the young one does. How strange.

* * *

**Kirk:** Well, for all that they can’t tell a proper story, I think the movie’s doing a fine job showing us. Look at Mr. Spock and Bones here! Tell me that isn’t spot on.

 **Spock:** I suppose this scene is rather accurate.

 **McCoy:** I know I’d be about as mad if Spock ever did anything like abandoning Kirk. I don’t understand why they put in so many weird “Southern” sayings, though.

* * *

**Spock:** I believe the filmmakers are more interested in interpersonal conflict than in showing the actual _purpose_ of Star Fleet.

 **Kirk:** Spock’s absolutely right. This is absurd. If they needed to show us fighting, they could have done a movie about when you were under Pon Farr and we fought on Vulcan.

 **Spock:** Captain, that would not be appropriate, as Vulcan would not like others to know the inner workings of Pon Farr.

 **Kirk:** But you see my point, Mr. Spock? They could have shown our five-year mission and had drama, but they decided to create new material.

* * *

**Chekov:** They make this our lives look so exciting!

 **Kirk:** That they do. But again, they could have used so many of our adventures instead and it would have made a better and more accurate advertisement for Star Fleet.

 **Uhura:** I would have liked to see more planets.

 **Sulu:** But they didn’t want to overcomplicate the movie.

 **Uhura:** Yes, I understand, but Star Fleet is about exploring the universe. They should show more of that, and not just the most exciting parts. People should know what they’re enlisting into.

* * *

**McCoy:** I like this shot. Really reminds everyone that this is a team effort.

* * *

**Uhura:** Well, that was an experience.

 **Sulu:** This movie was too much like those movies they play during the summer. Too much lens flare and explosions for my taste.

 **Scotty:** To be fair, we have seen our share of explosions and action.

 **Kirk:** Exactly! I wish they had shown our real missions, instead of this made-up story. I think we should all have a word with this J.J. Abrams fellow and explain to him actually goes on in the USS Enterprise.


End file.
